By John Newman

Cheating spouse What are the main reasons why people cheat?“Why do people cheat?” is a question most of us have asked to either ourselves or someone else. I decided that I would attack this timeless question from a different angle. Asking why people cheat is like asking “What is the meaning of life?” Most every answer will temporarily satisfy one problem, or even many, but then something comes along that rips that frame to shreds and we’re left with 633,000 different, though equally valid (albeit conflicting at times) reasons for cheating. To avoid getting caught up in that massive six figure number of responses, I decided to phrase the question differently (though I’m sure given the need to be heard and found, I’ll end up in the fray anyway). Instead of asking, “Why do people cheat?” I asked myself the question, “Why don’t people cheat more?”

First was the question, “How do you know more people don’t cheat more?” My mind decided it was going to challenge my new premise immediately, and it made a good point. Every researcher on the subject, including myself, firmly believes that due to the inherent (and necessary) secrecy of the act of cheating, the results are skewed in a downward direction. This is not to say that everyone who answers the surveys lies, but you can generally assume that a lot more people than the numbers in any survey reports, regardless of how rigid or thorough or talented the investigative staff is, are cheating.

Another reason the numbers are distorted is because of a little devil known as cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance , as defined by the good people at wikipedia is, “a psychological state that describes the uncomfortable feeling between what one holds to be true and what one knows to be true.” In other words, it’s that feeling we get when someone asks us about ourselves and the answer is not so pleasing to our ears. We all know the feeling—it’s like a being suddenly called on in class and you don’t know the answer to the easy question. This same feeling occurs even during an anonymous survey when seeing the answer to the question would severely challenge ones self-perception. These two factors combined are what I believe probably tarnish the credibility of any survey done on cheating, infidelity and adultery.

So if we can’t rely on the statistics provided (and there are many) what else is there for me to look at that can give me a more definite answer. The next logical step would be for me to see if there is some way to look at all of my experiences and the experiences of those closest to me to see if I can somehow extract an answer based on observation and see if it would satisfy my curiosity. This was an interesting study of myself and surroundings gave me an interesting perspective on the matter.

The easy way out is to say that I’m a guy and that it’s my nature. While this may be true I know a lot of guys that did not cheat. Actually, I knew quite a bit of guys and girls who did not cheat. Why did they not do it? After observing this group of people and their strange ways, I took note of a few things about people who were able to turn down opportunity after opportunity. This turned out to be an eye opening experience and would be the basis of a lot of my personal theories about relationships.

For starters, I noticed that people in the first 1-10 months of a relationship who were happy did not cheat. There is actually research that fully supports my observation, but that is beyond the scope of this article but will be discussed later. I also noticed something remarkably negative as well. A lot of the people most loyal to their mates were usually the ones who would stand to benefit the most if the relationship ended. Usually the person they were dating was a general bitch or asshole to them, and was way too controlling or demanding. In general their mates were also not very fun and understanding (at least in my opinion). Looking at these poor souls suffer through the relationship I just wondered to myself, “Why won’t they get out?” or “Why won’t they at least hook up with that person who keeps throwing themselves at them?”

Both situations have a common denominator despite appearing to be so different on the surface. That common denominator is the answer I chose to accept because it made the most sense and for the most part, explained cheating at just about every phase of a relationship in all relationships. The answer is lies in a simple equation:

(Personal Gain From Cheating + Dissatisfaction in Relationship at any level) – (Fear of Losing the Relationship + Commitment to Relationship) = Likelyhood of Cheating

Now you can put a lot of thought into what the actual numbers in those variables should be, but the formula is more designed to make a general point than arrive at an exact number. I think this explains all the situations where people should cheat and don’t, and where people seem to have a decent relationship but cheat all the time. Most times the thrill, excitement and variety (personal gain) along with the feelings of missing out on those things within the relationship (dissatisfaction) do not outweigh feelings of commitment and the fear of losing the relationship. A battered wife who remains faithful to her husband is probably a lot more afraid to leave him than she is excited about meeting someone nice. A guy who has a great girlfriend may be bored to death, and if she pisses him of that only decreases his commitment to a relationship. The people with low self esteem who stay with assholes fear losing the relationship more and are more committed, while those with low self esteem who cheat a lot gain more and at any given point in time during the relationship, are unsatisfied with how they are feeling about themselves.

The formula can be tweaked and played with many ways, as you can see. But I think it simultaneously answers both my question of “Why don’t people more?” and the more common question “Why do people cheat?” How do your specific reasons for cheating work into the equation?

Related articles:

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The real purpose of a relationship 

What makes a male a man? 

The smart way to choose a lover 

Dealing with the hurt and pain of rejection 

Gross and disgusting dating behaviours 

Women can ruin relationships with some disclosures 

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