Alcoholic Alcohol and drug addiction: The problem of co dependence.In a relationship where one individual has an addiction, the partner often becomes over-involved in the addict’s life. They frequently demonstrate enabling behaviours such as trying to “fix the addict” or to “rescue them.” Very often the co-dependent person feels deeply responsible for the addicted person. All they talk and think about is the problem their partner is facing. They often also feel it is their job to get their partner to stop the addict from his addiction. They eventually learn that the only person they can change is themselves.

If a person becomes dependent on alcohol or drugs, the partner often makes excuses or covers for their addicted partner. If a man gets drunk and is unable to go to work he might pressure his wife or partner to call in and say he was sick. She also often may clean up things he has broken or even clean an area where he has thrown up in. If he was late paying a bill, she might make excuses for him. This is called Enabling.

The partner that is “enabling” is not responsible for the partner’s drugs or alcohol addictions. However, when the partner cleans up after, or covers for the addict, they are enabling the addict not to face the consequences of their actions. The co-dependent becomes more upset about the problem than the person who has the addiction. It is very hard for an enabler to let the consequences fall on the addict, because usually they are very fearful. Co-dependents can feel terrified of losing the relationship they have with the addict. They know that if their partner gets in trouble at work they may lose their job. Often co-dependents grew up with parents who had addictions. Co dependence and enabling are often learned behaviours.

Co-dependents need to realize that they cannot make an addict stop his addiction, but they can call on the addict to accept responsibility for their decisions. To love a person who is an addict is not to clean up their messes. The less those around them enable an addict, the more the addict is forced to face their issues. The addict has some hard choices to make.

Many times by over-focusing on the addict’s life, the co-dependent is able to ignore his/her own painful issues. There are many support groups available that can help a person to identify ways that they are enabling others. If the co-dependent person is being harmed emotionally or physically, these groups can help them determine whether it is safer to stay and set boundaries or to leave. The support groups can help someone who has no boundaries to come up with good boundaries and then to stick to them. Also, groups like these can help a co-dependent to work on painful issues in their own lives.

Many join support religious support groups. Some are very helpful. Many who have a relationship with God find even greater strength. Making changes to lifelong habits and patterns is hard.

Most of us make enough mistakes already, so why take on responsibility for our partner’s mistakes as well? Every relationship has problems and every person in a relationship eventually hurts his or her partner. That does not give the addicted person an excuse to start a bad habit or become addicted. The person with the addiction is the one who started the bad habit, and supplies himself with whatever he or she is addicted to.

Co-dependents are only responsible for what they do. When there are things that they do that they know upset their partner and still do them, then they are responsible to try to understand and make changes. Regardless of our choices, we do not “make them” become addicts. They are responsible for their choices. If a person stays up late, and is tired the next day, it is their responsibility that they are tired.