Sometimes the success of the lies you tell when committing adultery and infidelity will depend on only one thing: how much sense the facts of your story make to your lover. If you gave the best performance in the world to convince your lover that what you are saying is true, and then the details of your lie are somehow uncovered, you have not only failed miserably in the short term, but you have also failed (unrecoverably so) at the long term goal of eliminating suspicion of your affair. In this article I will discuss the correct ways to build the details of your lie, while highlighting some of the worst ways details are given in both small and elaborate lies.

The first thing you must remember is that people are more inclined to believe concrete pieces of information as opposed to abstract estimations. For example, if you didn’t believe that your partner was actually out with their friends, which of these statements would sound more believable to you as an explanation for where they were:

A) Me and some of the guys went out for a few drinks.

B) I was out with Mike and Tony down at Peter’s Pub for the 10 to midnight drink special.

There isn’t a single reader out there, who at least on a gut level, feels that statement A is more believable than statement B, but why do we feel that way? I believe that our we feel more comfortable assessing data that we can recall reference points for. The more reference points you can recall dealing with a particular subject, the more sense that subject will make to you. Looking closely at statement A, there is not one reference point at all for your mind to take in. You can’t tell how many guys there were, which guys were there, where they went to drink, what time they were there, or even what they were drinking. I believe that ambiguous statements like that make us uncomfortable because we can’t recall anything in our experience (other than having a few drinks with some friends) to make more sense out of it. It’s just full of air—which is not to say that it’s unbelievably most of the time, just that it’s a harder for us to take as fact. Depending on your level of communication, that statement may be very believable to you but just about everyone can agree that statement B sounds better. Why?

For starters, it is full of concrete ideas that your brain can associate with. You are given the names of friends (which you probably know, but if you don’t, you intuitively feel that they are real people), you have a place, and you have a time. Furthermore, you are given a compelling reason for him being at that particular bar at that particular time—the drink special. Over all, this story now sounds pretty damn good because of all the details mentioned. Solid, relatable, specific details (like those in example b) make any lie sound infinitely better than abstract non-specific details (like those in example a).

But, there is such a thing as too much detail. Whenever I tell lies to hide an adulterous affair this is probably the part of lying I personally am most cautious about. Perhaps it’s paranoia, but I feel like giving too much details gives a person away as well (although this really depends on your baseline behaviors ). Maybe its because in all of the interrogations I’ve conducted on past lovers to uncover whether they were having an affair or not, the most common giveaway is including an excessive amount of unrelated detail. Sometimes giving away a lot of detail is key for certain types of lies, but most people get heavy on the wrong types of details. For example, look at two sample responses to a simple question, “Have you hooked up with that guy before?”:

A) He’s just a friend. We’ve never messed around.

B) He’s just a friend but sometimes I think he wants to mess around. But I’d never do that. I’ll have to make sure he gets that. He’s a good guy but its never been that way.

From a purely detail oriented stand point, both of these lies are not that bad. In fact, I’ve fallen for variations of lie B in the past, and I’ve even been mildly successful with lies of the B variety, but now my experience would see right through it. What exactly is wrong with loading up on details like that? It’s too much defense for such an apparent minimal offense. If there is nothing to the story other than a simple no, then there’s no reason to reinforce the stance unless you have fallen into the trap of dealing with an insecure individual. In that case, it does not matter what you say—you’ll always be lying.

In any contest (and that’s why a liar lying is engaging in—a contest to see which side can convince the other) over defense signals a weak spot that is valued beyond all other points. That point could be lots of things—ego, pride, self-image, or the relationship itself. Remember that when you are lying, you should aim for concrete, related details. The basic things you should include, whenever possible, are:

  • Time
  • Names
  • Reason for the action described in the lie

These basic details serve to make any lie more believable. While following these rules, you should avoid:

  • Excessive details not related to the question
  • Over defending yourself
  • Not providing the proper concrete facts.

There will be more in depth analysis of the subtleties of good lying in future posts, but for now soak it up and enjoy.