Relationship1 Have you gone too far with your fantasies?The idea of “I can do better than this” often begins with seemingly innocent questions like “What if I were single?” or “What if I had married someone else?” These questions are reinforced by the idealistic—and unrealistic—depiction of love in romantic movies, television, music, and novels. It’s easy to become attached to the illusion of finding someone other than your husband who can meet all your wants, needs, and desires.

Remember that every time you think about being with someone other than your husband, you are undermining your marriage and breaking your vows. God’s word is clear that fantasizing about having sex with anyone other than your spouse is sin. That may sound severe, but every sin that we eventually act out in our bodies begins in our minds—and the easiest place to stop it is in the mind as well.

The first step in ending an affair, in other words, is never allowing it to start. If there is someone you are seriously attracted to—whether a checker at the grocery store, a friend’s husband, or someone you met casually — I urge you to do what you must to put him out of your thoughts. In most cases, this will involve avoiding all contact with the person.

One woman found herself very attracted to a man at her church. They had never met, but he was the kind of man women notice, and seeing him stirred her romantic imagination. She changed where she sat in church so he wasn’t in her line of vision and avoided places where she might bump into him. Eventually he moved away and she was thankful she had succeeded in never having a conversation with the handsome gentleman.

If you have allowed conversations with another man (whether in person, on the phone, or on the Internet) to move to a personal level, you may be on the brink of or already involved in an emotional affair. Dennis Rainey, award-winning author and founder of FamilyLife ministries, gives the following sever warning signs that you are too involved:

•  You’ve got a need you feel your mate isn’t meeting—for attention, approval, affection—and that other person begins meeting your need.

•  You find it easier to unwind with someone other than your spouse by dissecting the day’s difficulties over lunch, coffee, or during a ride home.

•  You begin to talk about problems you are having with your spouse.

•  You rationalize the relationship by saying that surely it must be God’s will to talk so openly and honestly with a fellow Christian. You become defensive about the relationship and protective of it.

•  You look forward to being with this person more than with your won mate.

•  You wonder what you’d do if you didn’t have this friend to talk to.

•  You hide the relationship from your mate.

Another quick test is to ask yourself if you would like your husband to know about or to listen to the conversations you are having. If your answer is no to either question, chances are that you have gone too far.

What should you do if that’s the case? I urge you to break off your connection with that individual immediately, no matter how fulfilling your conversations have become. This means no more e-mails, no more meeting for lunch or coffee, and no more private conversations. Period! Fill the void by choosing a girlfriend or a mentor who is in a healthy marriage and ask if you can vent with her for a few months while your marriage gets back on track.

If you are involved sexually with someone other than your husband, it’s even more crucial that you make a commitment right now to end the affair immediately. Do it today.