Controlling and abusive tool: Disrespectful judgments

By Nosa Olotu

When requests don’t get you what you want, and demands don’t work either, our instincts and habits often provide us with another controlling and abusive strategy — disrespectful judgments. Without a doubt, demands are abusive, but disrespectful judgments often make demands seem merciful in comparison.

In the final analysis, disrespectful judgments represent an effort to force others to give us what we want, but it’s often cleverly disguised. Instead of making an outright demand, we present our problem as if it were really other people’s personal shortcoming. We try to “straighten out” others in an effort to get our way.

At the time we rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we’re doing others a big favour, to lift them from the darkness of their confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If they would only follow our advice, we tell ourselves, they could avoid many of life’s pitfalls-and we would also get what we want.

A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever we try to impose a system of values and beliefs on others. When you try to force your point of view on your partner or friend, you are just asking for trouble. When your partner or friend assumes that their own views are right and yours is woefully misguided — and tells them so — they enter a minefield.

In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what we want from people. But even when there are the purest motives, it’s still a stupid and abusive strategy. It’s stupid because it doesn’t work, and it’s abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right — even the responsibility — to impose our view on others, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That’s when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love or Friendship Bank.

If your partner or friend identifies you as one who makes disrespectful judgments, you may be tempted to make yet another disrespectful judgment and claim that he or she is wrong! Resist that temptation at all costs because in every case of abuse, the victim is a far better judge of its existence than the perpetrator. Take his or her word for it, and start working on a plan to eliminate whatever it is your partner or friend interprets as disrespect.

When we try to impose our opinions on our partner or friend, we imply that they have poor judgment. That’s disrespectful. We may not say this in so many words, but it’s the clear message that they hear. If we valued their judgment more, we might question our own opinions. What if they’re right, and we’re wrong?

I’m not saying that you can’t disagree with your partner or friend. But I want you to respectfully disagree. Try to understand your partner or friend’s reasoning. Present the information that brought you to your opinion and listen to the information your partner or friend brings. Entertain the possibility that you might change your own mind, instead of just pointing out how wrong your partner or friend is.

That’s how respectful persuasion works. You see, each of you brings two things into your marriage — wisdom and foolishness. Your marriage will thrive when you blend your value systems, with each one’s wisdom overriding the other’s foolishness. By sharing your ideas, sorting through the pros and cons, you can create a belief system superior to what either of you had alone. But unless you approach the task with mutual respect, the process won’t work and you will destroy your love for each other in the process.

In most cases, disrespectful judgments are nothing more than controlling and abusive attempts to get what you want in your marriage. As is the case with demands, disrespect doesn’t work — it’s simply a form of verbal abuse.

How can you know if you’re a perpetrator of disrespectful judgments? The simplest way to find out is to ask your partner or friend or friend. But you may be a little confused as to what exactly you should ask. To help you ask the right questions, I’ve provided you the Disrespectful Judgments Questionnaire.

Circle the number that best represents your feelings about the way your partner or friend tries to influence your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviour. If you circle a number greater than 1 for any question, try to think of an example that you can share with your partner or friend and write it on a sheet of paper.

1. Does your partner or friend ever try to “straighten you out?”