By Sue Basden

Sue Basden Always means always, even when it is raining tears.Like most people, I still feel connected in ways with friends, lovers and others, long after whatever joined us together has gone.

We’ve all got old friends or work colleagues we stay in touch with. The history, the mutual understanding nd experiences hold us together in a way that neither time nor life can fully break.

I’ve exchanged messages with various people who seem to think I was insane to still carry a candle for my ex after many, many months apart, and even more crazy to welcome them back into my life with open arms when they finally decided I was the one.

But my history with this one individual is unique. I do not just love her, or find her attractive, there is something else there. I could be happier sat in a room with her, not speaking than I could ever be having a conversation with anyone else.

I need to be with her.

I have no idea whatsoever if this is how she feels, could feel, every did feel about me, but she clearly wants to be with me too. Even when we fight, we’re together, which to my mind is better than any alternatives.

Like every other couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. Ill health, financial issues, depression.

Many, many years ago, not long after we’d settled into our frankly weird, open relationship which was governed by few rules (No girls without prior agreement, boys don’t count, never in OUR bed) she started working in an environment which gave her what she felt she needed at the time, adoration, admiration and lust. In short, she took clothing off for a living.

I was fine with this, until one day she realised that as much as she enjoyed being an object, she enjoyed sex a lot more.

So she combined her career and her hobby in a way which was stupid. Profitable, and immoral, but stupid.

Really stupid.

But two people who feel they are meant to be together go through life’s course even when the one does dumb things. I help her, she helps me.

Unprotected sex isn’t dumb, stupid, or daft, it’s dangerous.

It’s one thing inside a relationship when you know the history of your partner and trust them, but it’s entirely, insanely dangerous when you don’t.

So, we sat, and cried together over what she had done, and discussed the options. I was far more concerned about her health than I could ever admit to her face; she was and is perfect, and being sexually amoral doesn’t change that. Having to have an HIV test does.

So I asked her if she trusted me, and if she knew that I would spend the rest of my life with her, no matter what turns it took.

She nodded, and I led her to the kitchen.

Now, what I did next is quite frankly the stupidest, most thoughtless act in my entire life.

I took out the knife I use to peel potatoes, and cut a line across my palm.

I then said, in my trying to be brave, supportive, romantic but ultimately insane way that if she did the same, her fate and mine would be the same.

Perhaps asking someone who is suffering trauma, possibly facing a terminal condition and certainly a little emotional to self-harm was a hideous breach of my duty to protect her at all costs.

But I couldn’t protect her, I could only promise to be with her.

Her fate and mine have been the same since that day. I love her, she sometimes loves me back.

Romantic? Stupid?

I don’t know. Do you?